


Do I Believe In Magic?

by TheSouthernMoons



Series: LWA Extended [3]
Category: Little Witch Academia
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, F/F, Fluff, Magic, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-10
Updated: 2021-02-10
Packaged: 2021-03-16 04:34:38
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29326323
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheSouthernMoons/pseuds/TheSouthernMoons
Summary: Diana Cavendish's whole life has been centered around one thing: magic. What happens when that's no longer true?
Relationships: Barbara Parker/Lotte Yanson, Diana Cavendish/Atsuko "Akko" Kagari, Hannah England/Amanda O'Neill, Ursula Callistis | Chariot du Nord/Croix Meridies
Series: LWA Extended [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1983344
Kudos: 15





	Do I Believe In Magic?

“Do you believe in magic?”

Croix raised an eyebrow as Chariot sat down next to her, placing a tray of tea on the table between the teachers and me.

“Do we _believe_ in magic? We do magic every day, that’s kind of the entire point of this school.” Croix hadn’t meant to sound condescending, I’m sure, but the way she said it cut me a little.

“It is an odd question, Diana,” Chariot added. “What exactly do you mean?”

“I… well, it’s hard to explain.” I sighed, rubbing the back of my neck and tilting my head toward the ceiling. The lights above burned my eyes a little, but for some reason it helped focus my thoughts. “What we do, is it even really _magic_? I mean, pick your favorite spell, and between the three of us, we could explain the exact mechanics of how it works. It’s basically science. Magic is really just like electricity or heat. Actually, maybe it’s more like physics or chemistry.”

“What’s your point, kid?” Croix asked. “You don’t like the label? You wanna petition the world to start calling magic a branch of science?” Chariot gave her a light slap on the arm.

“Croix, remember what we’ve talked about? Pay more attention to how you say things. That came off a little rude.” I got a quick ‘sorry’ out of the emerald eyed woman, and Chariot turned back to me and smiled. “Go on Diana.”

“I don’t know, it’s really hard to explain. Ugh, I said that already.” I felt… something well up in my face and chest. Maybe it was shame, or guilt, or embarrassment. I’m not really sure. To try to counter that feeling, I took a cup and downed half the tea in one go. “When Akko retrieved the Grand Triskelion, when we reawakened Yggdrasil, I think everyone thought that magic was making a comeback. I know I did. But then everything went back to almost normal _so_ quickly. There was more magical energy, sure, but that was it. Everyone was sort of hoping all the problems and doubts about magic would just… go away, I guess. But they didn’t.”

“And then that debacle with the Giants happened, I…” I shuddered, and I felt tears start to fill my eyes. “Well, you two understand how I feel about that, you’ve heard me at the support group. I still have nightmares. Akko and I fought twice, I had to watch my friends get injured repeatedly, I got hurt. And worst of all, it was all because of magic. Magical creatures, spells, magical items and witches and mages; this thing I loved so much for my whole life was turned against me, threatening me and my friends’ lives for the second time in a year.”

“I’m still really sorry about my part in that, Diana,” Croix interjected, face turning red.

“I know, Croix, and I appreciate it.” I took a deep breath and tried to steady myself. “My point is, magic used to feel so… magical? Jennifer, that sounds so stupid, but I don’t know how else to say it.”

“Do you mean wonderous?” Chariot offered gently. “Awe-inspiring, mind bending, just all around incredible and, as you aptly said, magical?”

Well, my tears were no longer content to just sit in the corners of my eyes anymore. I noticed this when Chariot reached over to offer me a handkerchief and I found myself wiping away the wet warmth streaking down my cheeks.

“Y-yeah. I think you hit the nail right on the head.” I exhaled, which was odd, as I didn’t remember holding my breath. “Whatever I felt for magic as a child, that chest-bursting love for it that your show awakened in me, Chariot, I… I think I’ve lost it. And that scares me.”

Chariot and Croix sat for a moment, watching me. I dropped my head into my hands, sighing yet again. I _hate_ baring my emotions to anyone not named Atsuko “Akko” Kagari. Doing it to my childhood idol and ex-teacher-who-tried-to-end-the-world-and-kill-me (long story, I know), was positively humiliating. But, I needed help, and I just couldn’t tell Akko yet. “Hey, love of my life, you know that thing we’ve both based our entire lives and futures around? Well because of excessive trauma, I think I hate it now!”

It isn’t that cut and dry, of course. I did still like magic, at least a little. I think. But the excitement and drive I had for it has been drained away. In her eyes, I might as well hate it.

“First,” Chariot began, snapping me out of my thoughts, “you should tell Akko. I can see it written all over your face. You don’t want to, and I get it. She’d probably lose her mind and try to cancel her personal study so she could help you all day and night.” Not my initial worry, but I could definitely see that happening. Great, another scenario to stress over. “But she knows something is up with you, Diana. She’s scatterbrained, not stupid. You know that.”

“Of course I do. Is it bothering her much?”

“She’s been a bit distracted lately, but I can guarantee it’ll get worse,” Croix cut in. “That girl cares deeply for other people, especially you.”

“Would you like either of us to be there when you tell her?” Chariot asked. “We can support you if you need.”

“No, I have… trouble being open with others. Coming to those group sessions with everybody, coming to you here today, it’s very hard for me.”

“We understand. Is there anything else we can do for you?”

I paused to think.

“Any advice for getting over this?”

“Honestly kid, you need a break.” To my surprise, it was Croix who answered. “Burnout happens to everyone, in every field. Even I had a period where I couldn’t even look at magitech without feeling sick. Now, I know this isn’t necessarily burnout. You’re traumatized, and I get that. But before you were traumatized, you were infatuated. Those feelings are still buried deep within your heart, I’d bet. Take a break from magic for a while. Try to avoid seeing it, definitely don’t use it. We’ll talk to Finnelan about pausing your medical study, so you don’t have to worry about that. Once the pangs of desire for magic get strong again, _if_ they do, then you treat yourself to a spectacle. Go see an incredible display of magic. If you don’t regain your love for it then, I don’t know what else to tell you.”

Chariot and I stared at her.

“Huh. Good life advice from Croix,” Chariot mused.

“Broken clock and all that, I guess?” I added.

“I’m being bullied by my f- my girlfriend and a student. Unreal,” Croix complained.

“What were you about to say?” I asked. “Your ‘f’ something?”

“I-I just forgot to say the ‘girl’ part of ‘girlfriend’. Th-that’s all!” she blurted out, reddening. I raised my eyebrow, but I said nothing.

“Well, if that’s all, I should be going,” I said as I stood, “I promised Akko we’d have an ‘in’ night tonight, since it’s getting cold these days.” I replaced my teacup on the tray next to the other two untouched cups. I hadn’t noticed, but apparently my teachers were too worried about me to drink their tea. I silently appreciated the sentiment, but the good British girl in me rose a mental flag to half-mast for the wasted liquid gold. “I’ll be off now.”

“Let us know if you need to talk more,” Croix said. “I’m sorry I was rude. I’m working on it.”

“We’re always here for you,” Chariot added. Ever since her secret got revealed, she’s become almost like a mother figure to Akko and me. It’s sweet, but I went so long without one that sometimes I don’t know how to interact with her. I’m sure I’ll figure it out eventually. I figure most things out eventually. _Most_.

With a slight wave, I left the office and began climbing down the tower. As I got lower and lower, the cold air settled around me and I felt my thoughts themselves descending back into the dark funk they’d been in for the last few weeks.

The first month or so after the Giant Incident, I was fine. I think it was because I wasn’t encountering much magic. Akko and I both wanted a break, so when I went to visit with her and her family in Japan, we didn’t use it. We talked a lot about our relationship and _wow_ did we need that, but surprisingly, magic wasn’t a prominent topic. Once I got back to the Cavendish Manor, I just never felt the need to use it.

My problems started when we got back to school. I noticed a couple days in that I wasn’t as excited as I used to be. Initially I thought it was because I wasn’t doing classes, opting instead to do a private study of medical magic. Headmistress Holbrooke _did_ offer to let us skip everything this semester and just take it off, considering what happened, but no one wanted to do that. Looking back, maybe I should have.

Anyway, I wasn’t excited. Oh well, I could put up with that. I knew medical magic very well, so it made sense that it would take some time for me to get to a point where I was hitting new, interesting information. But then, a few weeks after Akko started her full-time performance training, she wanted to show me a few things, so obviously I humored her (and you would too if she looked at you with those damn gorgeous, ruby red eyes), but then… nothing. I mean, the magic was good, and the effects were certainly cool, but they didn’t make me go “Wow!” or anything.

That was when I thought something was wrong. Knowing Akko’s struggle with regaining her magic, nearly identical to the one I had many years ago, any significant strides she makes would make me overwhelmingly proud. And I was proud, I promise, but for whatever reason, I didn’t feel anything. I know I should have, but I didn’t.

So, I told her that it was great, and I was very proud of her. I think she believed me. That was about a month ago. Since then, I guess she’s been catching on to my growing despair, according to Chariot.

“I have to tell her. I can’t hide it, it isn’t fair to her.” I thought to myself as I stood in front of my dorm door. Barbara and Hannah were out; we usually tried to coordinate date nights so that each couple could get alone time, and this time it was our turn to use my room. Akko should already have been there, so all I had to do was open the door and tell her. For whatever reason, I decided to knock on the door to _my_ room. I guess I really was nervous.

Before I could finish my second knock, however, the door swung open and I was met with a beaming cinnamon roll (no, Akko didn’t actually turn herself into a cinnamon roll, though I honestly wouldn’t put it past her). I must have looked pretty distraught, however, since her smile almost immediately melted away and she took me by the hand and led me to my bed. Brushing some hair out of me face, she bent down a little to look into my eyes and gave me a quick kiss on the nose.

“Diana, love, what’s wrong?” she asked. I trembled.

“You might get upset about it,” I said, trying to hold back tears.

“I promise I won’t,” she replied while petting my hair.

“I… well I… I think I don’t like magic anymore…” Ugh, I _never_ trail off like this. At least it’s only Akko. For her part, she was remarkably quiet for once, and then she had the gall to giggle.

“Is that it?”

“Is that _it_? Akko, this is a really big deal for me!” I half whispered, half yelled. “My whole life, my whole identity, it’s always been about magic, I- I don’t know what to do…” She wrapped her arms around me and pulled me into her chest.

“Sorry Diana, I didn’t mean it like that.” Despite me being the bigger one, Akko had me curled up in her lap, rubbing my back, playing with my hair and pressing her lips to the top of my head. “I’ve just been so worried that you were sick, or something happened with the Cavendish Manor or something. I don’t want to downplay this at all, but at least it’s something I can help you deal with. That’s why I’m relieved.”

I cried. Properly this time, not the ‘single tear of stoicism’ I usually let loose around people like Chariot and Croix. I’m never proud of it, but sometimes it just all comes out, doesn’t it? And Akko, my wonderful angel Akko, has a way of making me feel so safe that I can never control myself around her. It took me some time, but eventually I felt all cried out and raised my head from her chest to kiss her on the cheek and rest my face in the crook of her neck.

“Thank you. I love you,” I mumbled.

“I love you too,” she replied, squeezing me a little. “Is there anything I can do to help?”

And so, we talked for a while about what to do, my plan, all those kinds of things. Eventually we got tired of the stressful conversation and turned to playing games. Ever since I visited Akko at her home in Japan, we’d become _slightly_ addicted to Othello. I know, I know, this sounds nothing like Akko, but apparently her whole family loves it, and they hooked it on us. We played for an hour or so before feeling sleepy, and so we decided to go to bed.

By the way, at our suggestion, Headmistress Holbrooke took away the rule against staying in other people’s rooms overnight. She agreed the rule was too old fashioned and that there were definitely girls who did it anyway, so it seemed like a silly thing to get in trouble for. For the nine of us, it was a huge relief since we would sometimes have nightmares or episodes regarding our trauma. Being able to spend the night together really helped on the bad days.

The next day was Saturday, and seeing how fall was ending soon, we decided to make our support group meeting a picnic. We would soon not be able to, after all. Croix and Chariot took us to one of their favorite spots; the top of a nice, big hill that oversaw a lot of the grounds. There was a crumbling wall on one side, so they put the blanket down against for some cover from the wind. I sat between Akko and Barbara, and we laughed and joked while we had sandwiches and cookies made by the Green Team. I think they started cooking and baking together as a team activity pretty soon after school started again. Somehow Amanda convinced the fairies to let them use the kitchen whenever they wanted. That girl had a way of getting what she wants, let me tell you.

Anyway, after we were done eating, we circled up and began our meeting.

“Would anyone like to go first?” Chariot asked. She was the de-facto leader and chair of the group, though no one ever really said it had to be her. It was quiet for a moment before Jasminka spoke up.

“Amanda, Conz, Hannah, and I went to the lake this week, and Amanda and Hannah swam. I just wanted to say that I’m proud of them for doing that considering what happened with the serpent.” The two girls blushed and tried to mumble the praise away, but we could all see the small smiles growing on their faces.

“Anyone else?”

“Umm,” I started. Everyone turned to look at me, which made me feel even worse, but then Akko took my hand, and everything pulled back into focus. “I’ve been having a sort of… we’ll call it an identity crisis regarding magic recently. I’ve lost the love for it, and honestly sometimes it scares me. Croix recommended that I take a break from it, so I’m putting a pause on my research project and I’m not supposed to be around anyone doing magic if I can avoid it. Sorry, but this is probably going to inconvenience you all a lot.”

I said this last part looking at Barbara and Hannah in turn, knowing that I’m asking them to pretty much stop using our room for schoolwork, since there aren’t many other places on campus I can go and not see magic. Tears came back to my eyes; I was sure this would cause friction between the friend group. How can I ask all my witch friends at witch school to stop doing magic entirely when I’m around? I probably won’t be seeing them very much until this is resolved.

“Alright girls let’s put our heads together,” Amanda said, making everyone turn to look at her. “What are some things we can do together with Diana that don’t involve magic?”

My breath caught in my throat.

“Ooh, she can bake with me!” Jasminka squealed. “The kitchens have normal ovens as well as magical ones, so we can do cookies analog!”

“Lotte and I were about to start the next book for our book club,” Barbara added in. “We can pick a non-magic based book this time. If you want, Diana, you’re welcome to join us. Obviously anyone else as well.”

I started to shake a little.

“As much as testing crazy potions on Akko is fun, I’ve always wanted to look at using plants to create normal medicines and stuff,” Sucy mused. “Your expertise would be useful if you want to help me.”

“Diana, exercise can help a lot with this kind of stuff. Amanda and I have been doing morning runs. I know it’s getting cold out now, but you should join us for some physical activity every now and then,” Hannah chimed in.

Constanze held up her tablet, with “We can build something together if you want” written on it.

My head fell to my knees, muffling my crying. These girls were too good to me. Akko leaned down and wrapped her arms around me, whispering in my ear. I whispered back and she raised her head, smiling at everyone else.

“Diana says thanks,” she said. “She’s a little overwhelmed right now, though, so she can’t say it herself.”

They went on, talking about their projects for the semester and how things were going otherwise. I didn’t hear too much of it. I was too deep in my thoughts. Sometimes I forgot just how lucky I was to have such good friends. I decided that I had to do something for Chariot, to thank her for inspiring me to go to Luna Nova and meeting everyone.

Quietly, I raised my head and put it on Akko’s shoulder, joining in on the conversation every now and then, taking bites of cookie whenever she pushed one in my face.

“Life could be worse,” I thought to myself as the late autumn air brushed past my face, carrying out voices down the hill and back toward the school. “Life could certainly be worse.”

**Author's Note:**

> Wow, it's been a long time since I posted. I wanted to try something new, so I'm writing from Diana's POV directly this time. I've not written in first person in a while, so forgive me if it takes a chapter or two to really home in on how I want her inner voice to sound.
> 
> I know Diana comes off as proud and haughty yet caring, but I like to believe she's more loose in her own head, especially in the stories I've been writing where she's grown a lot thanks to Akko and her friends.
> 
> Let me know what I can do better, thanks for reading!


End file.
